znate koje su dvije najkrace knjige???
odg.:sve o Sloveniji i Dobra dijela Srbije
odg.:sve o Sloveniji i Dobra dijela Srbije
Natječu se Bosanac, Amerikanac i Švabo koji je najhrabriji muškarac. Zadatak im je preplivati Amazonu, odsjeći medvjedu u špilji noge i silovati Indijanku. Ide Švabo prvi pliva i umre. Ide onda Amer, prepliva rijeku, uplaši se medvjeda i ode kući. Dođe na kraju Bosanac, prepliva Amazonu, dođe kod medvjeda u špilju nema ga 2-3 dana i jedno jutro iziđe te se zadere iz svega glasa: "Gdje je ta Indijanka da joj otkinem noge??!!"
ide ciganka kroz tramvaj sa djetetom u narucju,i pita jednog gospodina da joj da 5 maraka za redzu.kaze ovaj nema.ide ona dalje pita drugog:"daj 5 maraka za Redzu?"kaze i ovaj nema.izadje ona na ulicu,nailazi novi bmw,staje na semaforu,ona odmah na prozor"daj 5 maraka za Redzu?"kaze frajer:"evo de se samo skloni",kaze ona njemu:"evo ti Redzo"
Dva muskarca sede za sankom i jedan od njih da bi uvredio drugog kaze:
-Spavao sam sa tvojom majkom!
Nikakva reakcija.
-Ma spavao sam sa tvojom majkom,jel ti cujes covece?!
-Cale hajde idi kuci molim te,pijan si ko letva!
-Spavao sam sa tvojom majkom!
Nikakva reakcija.
-Ma spavao sam sa tvojom majkom,jel ti cujes covece?!
-Cale hajde idi kuci molim te,pijan si ko letva!
Pita Hrvat Makedonca automehanicara koji mu je popravio auto:
-Koliko treba da platim majstore?
-Tri hiljade denara.
-Koliko je to u tisucama?
-Pet tisuca!
-Koliko treba da platim majstore?
-Tri hiljade denara.
-Koliko je to u tisucama?
-Pet tisuca!
-Zasto kod Balkanaca broj pedera svake godine je sve veci i veci?
-Zato sto im lakse ulazi u guzicu nego u glavu!
-Zato sto im lakse ulazi u guzicu nego u glavu!
Lovili Slovenac i Bosanac ribe zajedno.
Zabacili oni udice i čekaju......Kad trza kod obojice.
Vuče Slovenac, vuče Bosanac, kad ono, jedna
riba zakačila se kod obojice.
Slovenac: moja!
Bosanac: kurac tvoja, moja!
Ništa, hajd dogovore se oni: Tko koga bolje zguzi,
njegova je riba!
Bosanac: Ja prvi!
Mazne on Slovenca, razvali ga samo tako, pošteno!!!
-ajd sad ja tebe! - reče Slovenac.
Ma eto ti riba, jebote riba!!!!!
Zabacili oni udice i čekaju......Kad trza kod obojice.
Vuče Slovenac, vuče Bosanac, kad ono, jedna
riba zakačila se kod obojice.
Slovenac: moja!
Bosanac: kurac tvoja, moja!
Ništa, hajd dogovore se oni: Tko koga bolje zguzi,
njegova je riba!
Bosanac: Ja prvi!
Mazne on Slovenca, razvali ga samo tako, pošteno!!!
-ajd sad ja tebe! - reče Slovenac.
Ma eto ti riba, jebote riba!!!!!
1. No one has a job but everyone has a mobile phone
2. Your parents never told you about bees and flowers
3. At your wedding you only know a third of the guests
4. During World Cup there is an uproar and the police are in it
5. At your wedding there will be at least 350 guests
6. You notice that pedestrians don’t have priority
7. In villages there are more cafés than residents
8. At your wedding the first song is: “Danas majka zeni svoga sina”
9. When you are in a café, there are 5 things on the table: car keys, cigarettes, a cheap lighter, mobile phone and a drink
10. For an inexplicable reason it is digestible to eat a greasy meat burek in the middle of the night after coming from the disco
11. You get caught by the police but they let you go because they know one of your uncles
12. You need to turn the “bojler” on at least 1 hour before taking a shower so you have hot water
13. The light switch for the bathroom is not in the bathroom
14. Your friend spends all of his monthly salary (100 Mark) in one night partying with all of his friends
15. You weigh more than 150 kg and your bakica still thinks you are too thin
16. While eating you say no to a refill but you will always get a full new plate (especially at bakica)
17. People are always asking how to get a visa in your country
18. Your father moans “da ga ledja bole”
19. When the old people wonder why you are not married with 23 years
20. Electricity is off at least once a day
21. You see graffity like “Zoran”, “Slavisa + Svetlana”, “Pusi Kurac”, “Dinamo” etc.
22. Your neighbour city is speaking a different language
23. Marlboro costs 1,80 Mark, Rohill 1,25 Mark!!!!
24. People try to stop smoking, meaning 2 packs of Rohill Superlights instead of one pack of Rohill Lights!!!
25. You are afraid of going out with someone from your selo, because they might be related to you
26. You have a leather jacket
27. You have more alcohol at home than available at a bar
28. All celebrations have the same menu: “Supa, sarma i pecenje”
29. All weddings have the same menu: “Supa, sarma i pecenje”
30. At least one of your friends is called Dragan or Ado
31. Your mother is still making your bed
32. Your parents went barefoot across the mountains to school, even during winter
33. Your mother is baking bread and cutting the 5 cm thick slices with a huge kitchen knife
34. You have the biggest sandwiches in school, mostly containing “salami” or “pasteta”
35. All hot guys and girls are related to you
36. Your parents go on holidays once a year and go “down”
37. Your last name ends on “ic”
38. You have brown eyes and brown hair
39. You eat a whole bread at breakfast / lunch / dinner
40. You have bread even when you are eating French fries
41. Your parents will have a mouthful of rakija for breakfast
42. When your are feminine, your name ends with an “a”
43. Your uncle is making his own wine, stronger than rakija
44. Your mother is consisting that “promaja” will kill you
45. You live at your parents house until you get married
46. When rakija is medicine for everything
47. Your grandmother wont accept that you are not hungry
48. You teach your friends bad words
49. You swear with every second word
50. You have a freezer full of frozen meat
51. When your maijka says she doesn’t care what other people say
52. You go home to your baba and she offers you “Supa, sarma, pecenje und kolaci” and gets mad if you don’t finish your plate
53. You were told that you will grow a tail when you drink coffee
54. You were scared with BABAROGA when you were a kid
55. You were washed in the LAVOR as a kid
56. The first words you spoke as a kid were “jebi ga!”
57. Everyone thinks you are Italian or Greek
58. No one pronounces your last name correctly so they make up nicks for it
59. Your mamma cut your hair with a SERPA
60. Your mamma calls you STOKA
61. Your parents rather buy cassettes than CDs
62. Your stari tells you “kad sam ja bio u tvojim godinama“
63. Your father is talking to you and calling you BUDALA in every second word
64. If your parents are always right
65. You are sitting in a café for 3 hours but only have 1 drink
66. Your head was shaved every summer as a kid so your hair will grow better
67. As soon as your tell your neighbour that you are JUGO they will ask for rakija
68. On your birthday everyone is pulling you by the ears
69. You only work part time but still drive a BMW
70. You either have a cassette or video with Lepa Brena
71. Your grandparents think you are sick because your parents are not giving you enough food
72. First thing you do when visiting your friends: take off your shoes, kiss the mother and shake the fathers hand
73. You ask a friend to bring you cigarettes from “down there”
74. You are dancing on the table and break glasses when you are drunk
75. Your mother or father will threaten you with “kajs” or “papuca”
76. Your father is telling you: “Samo kad te dofatim”
77. You are mostly afraid of the word SRAMOTA
78. Your grandmother loves to say “hvala bogu”
79. One week after a celebration you will still eat SARMA or BUREK
80. You can dance kolo to everything, even rock
81. When you go to “basta” to get some flowers for a birthday instead of buying a buket
82. If your mother is a cleaning lady
83. And your father is working am Bau (=deutsch), construction (=English)
84. The singers at your wedding have bank notes spicked on their foreheads
85. If you read this list and roar with laughter
2. Your parents never told you about bees and flowers
3. At your wedding you only know a third of the guests
4. During World Cup there is an uproar and the police are in it
5. At your wedding there will be at least 350 guests
6. You notice that pedestrians don’t have priority
7. In villages there are more cafés than residents
8. At your wedding the first song is: “Danas majka zeni svoga sina”
9. When you are in a café, there are 5 things on the table: car keys, cigarettes, a cheap lighter, mobile phone and a drink
10. For an inexplicable reason it is digestible to eat a greasy meat burek in the middle of the night after coming from the disco
11. You get caught by the police but they let you go because they know one of your uncles
12. You need to turn the “bojler” on at least 1 hour before taking a shower so you have hot water
13. The light switch for the bathroom is not in the bathroom
14. Your friend spends all of his monthly salary (100 Mark) in one night partying with all of his friends
15. You weigh more than 150 kg and your bakica still thinks you are too thin
16. While eating you say no to a refill but you will always get a full new plate (especially at bakica)
17. People are always asking how to get a visa in your country
18. Your father moans “da ga ledja bole”
19. When the old people wonder why you are not married with 23 years
20. Electricity is off at least once a day
21. You see graffity like “Zoran”, “Slavisa + Svetlana”, “Pusi Kurac”, “Dinamo” etc.
22. Your neighbour city is speaking a different language
23. Marlboro costs 1,80 Mark, Rohill 1,25 Mark!!!!
24. People try to stop smoking, meaning 2 packs of Rohill Superlights instead of one pack of Rohill Lights!!!
25. You are afraid of going out with someone from your selo, because they might be related to you
26. You have a leather jacket
27. You have more alcohol at home than available at a bar
28. All celebrations have the same menu: “Supa, sarma i pecenje”
29. All weddings have the same menu: “Supa, sarma i pecenje”
30. At least one of your friends is called Dragan or Ado
31. Your mother is still making your bed
32. Your parents went barefoot across the mountains to school, even during winter
33. Your mother is baking bread and cutting the 5 cm thick slices with a huge kitchen knife
34. You have the biggest sandwiches in school, mostly containing “salami” or “pasteta”
35. All hot guys and girls are related to you
36. Your parents go on holidays once a year and go “down”
37. Your last name ends on “ic”
38. You have brown eyes and brown hair
39. You eat a whole bread at breakfast / lunch / dinner
40. You have bread even when you are eating French fries
41. Your parents will have a mouthful of rakija for breakfast
42. When your are feminine, your name ends with an “a”
43. Your uncle is making his own wine, stronger than rakija
44. Your mother is consisting that “promaja” will kill you
45. You live at your parents house until you get married
46. When rakija is medicine for everything
47. Your grandmother wont accept that you are not hungry
48. You teach your friends bad words
49. You swear with every second word
50. You have a freezer full of frozen meat
51. When your maijka says she doesn’t care what other people say
52. You go home to your baba and she offers you “Supa, sarma, pecenje und kolaci” and gets mad if you don’t finish your plate
53. You were told that you will grow a tail when you drink coffee
54. You were scared with BABAROGA when you were a kid
55. You were washed in the LAVOR as a kid
56. The first words you spoke as a kid were “jebi ga!”
57. Everyone thinks you are Italian or Greek
58. No one pronounces your last name correctly so they make up nicks for it
59. Your mamma cut your hair with a SERPA
60. Your mamma calls you STOKA
61. Your parents rather buy cassettes than CDs
62. Your stari tells you “kad sam ja bio u tvojim godinama“
63. Your father is talking to you and calling you BUDALA in every second word
64. If your parents are always right
65. You are sitting in a café for 3 hours but only have 1 drink
66. Your head was shaved every summer as a kid so your hair will grow better
67. As soon as your tell your neighbour that you are JUGO they will ask for rakija
68. On your birthday everyone is pulling you by the ears
69. You only work part time but still drive a BMW
70. You either have a cassette or video with Lepa Brena
71. Your grandparents think you are sick because your parents are not giving you enough food
72. First thing you do when visiting your friends: take off your shoes, kiss the mother and shake the fathers hand
73. You ask a friend to bring you cigarettes from “down there”
74. You are dancing on the table and break glasses when you are drunk
75. Your mother or father will threaten you with “kajs” or “papuca”
76. Your father is telling you: “Samo kad te dofatim”
77. You are mostly afraid of the word SRAMOTA
78. Your grandmother loves to say “hvala bogu”
79. One week after a celebration you will still eat SARMA or BUREK
80. You can dance kolo to everything, even rock
81. When you go to “basta” to get some flowers for a birthday instead of buying a buket
82. If your mother is a cleaning lady
83. And your father is working am Bau (=deutsch), construction (=English)
84. The singers at your wedding have bank notes spicked on their foreheads
85. If you read this list and roar with laughter
Skakali bosanac, njemac i amerikanac sa zgrade u prazan bazen u ime svojih predsjednika.
-Skace amerikanac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Buša" - razbije se
-Skace njemac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Hitlera" - razbije se
-Skace bosanac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Tita... EVO VAM KITA!!!"
i vrati se nazad
-Skace amerikanac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Buša" - razbije se
-Skace njemac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Hitlera" - razbije se
-Skace bosanac i govori:
"Skacem u ime Tita... EVO VAM KITA!!!"
i vrati se nazad
Sreo Ciganin jednog čoveka na stanici i
pita ga: ,,brate jel imas da mi das 20 dinara?"
Ovaj mu odgovori: ,,Nemam."
A Ciganin će mu kaze: ,,E, tako i izgledas !"
pita ga: ,,brate jel imas da mi das 20 dinara?"
Ovaj mu odgovori: ,,Nemam."
A Ciganin će mu kaze: ,,E, tako i izgledas !"
Da bi se spasili od prekomernog nataliteta Kinezi su morali da pocnu sa kastracijom muskaraca.Ali operacije su bile skupe i trajale su dugo.Prijavi se Mujo da resi ovu stvar brze i jevtinije.Ode on u Kinu te zatrazi da mu daju dva dobra kamena kremenjaka.
Poredjali se Kinezi,kad Mujo poce:Svuce gace prvom,rasiri mu noge i jako ga udari kamenjem po jajima,pa drugi,treci...
Gledaju to Kinezi,te pitaju ga:
-Ali,zar to ne boli mnogo?
-Boli,kako da ne,ako promasis ,pa kamenjem udaris prste!
Poredjali se Kinezi,kad Mujo poce:Svuce gace prvom,rasiri mu noge i jako ga udari kamenjem po jajima,pa drugi,treci...
Gledaju to Kinezi,te pitaju ga:
-Ali,zar to ne boli mnogo?
-Boli,kako da ne,ako promasis ,pa kamenjem udaris prste!
Slece avion u Ameriku, izlazi djavo i kaze -Ja sam mali djavolcic, imam mali kofercic, i dosao sam da kradem Kazu oni njemu:Idi ti u Englesku pa kradi, ovde se ne krade." Ode on u Englesku pa kaze:"Ja sam mali djavolcic, imam mali kofercic i dosao sam da kradem." Kazu mu Englezi:"Idi u Srbiju, tamo se krade, ovde ne." .Ode djavo u Srbiju i kaze:"Ja sam mali djavolcic, imam.. GDE MI JE KOFERCIC, MAMU LI VAM LOPOVSKU?!
Bacaju Slovenci atomsku bombu na Ameriku da vide što će im Obama na to reč...I bace oni bombu i čekaju,čekaju i niko ih ne zove.Bace oni drugi put i opet čekaju i čekaju i niko ih ne nazove.Sad oni znatiželjni idu zvat Obamu,on se javi i kaže:Jebat ću vam mater,samo da vas nađem na karti!!!
Sta je to nemoguca misija:
-Ono sta Bosanac smisli
-Pirocanac financira,a
Crnogorac uradi
-Ono sta Bosanac smisli
-Pirocanac financira,a
Crnogorac uradi
prica seljak seljacima kako je bilo na stadionu kaze seljak tamo ima jedna trava da 100 krava pase.imaju 2 ribarska mreze kad dolaze neki robijasi u crno belim prugama i creveno bijeli robijasi.i onda pocnu naki ljudi se derati zvezda.ja pogledam u nebo nigdje zvezde,onda neko govori gol,gol,gol ja pogledam nigdje noki go kad neko govori partizan,ja pobjeze otac mi bio cetnik
Dođe Srbin,Hrvat I Bosanac da izlječe bolesti kao napr:tumor,rak i sljepost.
Srbin:
Dođe mu pacijent sa tumorom i izlječi mu Srbin tumor dodirom.
Hrvat:
Dođe mu pacijent sa rakom i on ga izlječi dodirom.
Bosanac:
Dođe mu pacijent sa slepoćom i Bosanac ga udari ku*cem i upita ga vidiš li išta a pacijent mu odgovara:ma vidim ku*ac a Bosanac će na to eh jesam te izlječio.
Srbin:
Dođe mu pacijent sa tumorom i izlječi mu Srbin tumor dodirom.
Hrvat:
Dođe mu pacijent sa rakom i on ga izlječi dodirom.
Bosanac:
Dođe mu pacijent sa slepoćom i Bosanac ga udari ku*cem i upita ga vidiš li išta a pacijent mu odgovara:ma vidim ku*ac a Bosanac će na to eh jesam te izlječio.